Why I Hate Some of the People Playing Black Ops on Xbox Live

January 7th, 2011 at 3:32 am -

I played a lot of Modern Warfare, a lot of Modern Warfare 2 and I’m rapidly catching up with Black Ops. In all that time, I don’t think I’ve ever met a gentleman like I didn’t this morning. Let me tell you, 7:30 AM was just a little early for this sort of thing.

I mean, don’t you love it when you head onto your 360 for a brief game of Black Ops and there’s a complete prat waiting in game for you?

I don’t just mean some 12 year old shouting out because his mom doesn’t like the idea of him trading in his social life for a copy of Call of Duty. I mean someone who thinks they’re intelligent and feels the need to share their world view over a quick game of Free-For-All.

This particular douche, he had a name like Paintenator, started off quite mildly. His one bar connection had him complaining about lag every time he died.

“It was never like this in Modern Warfare 2. Treyarch suck.”

It was when he got into an argument with another guy about a kill that things begun to get nasty.  It wasn’t bad language and witty put-downs though, his argument came from a completely different angle.

“You’d die in Communist Russia. You’d just stand there while they ate you or something. I’d survive in Communist Russia because of my special skills. You’d just let them  walk all over you.”

The other guy left the game shortly after. Unfortunately, this had got Paintenator on to a bit of a rant, and he began addressing the group as a whole.

“Talking of threats to our way of life,” he said, quite casually, “you know it is games like this that are going to get you all killed when the New World Order come along?”

Someone snorts down their microphone. It might have been me.

“No, seriously. Look at these stupid plastic weapons. They look fake. When the New World Order come, you’re all going to be running around with crappy plastic weapons, strafing and jumping in front of armed soldiers, trying to get maximum points. Treyarch and Activision are going to have your blood on their hands. Not that it matters that much, they’ll be the first to die.”

He goes quiet for a moment. We’re in between games and he asks people not to choose Nuke Town.

“It’s all a bit too realistic.”

It was at this point that I decided he must be pretending to be as extreme as he was being or, at the very least, exaggerating his beliefs. He continued to chat quite casually without reply throughout the next game.

“Did you know that if every American today went to their banks and demanded their life savings, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. All that digital money you use, all that credit you have, it doesn’t exist, man, it doesn’t even exist.”

There was a pause.

“I never looked at it that way.” It was a young sounding lad, his profile said he was from Illinois.

“Yeah, and you know what else? Our government is obsessed with nothing but oil. I was reading yesterday how there are plans to melt the polar ice caps so that our government can get the oil from the centre. Can you imagine anybody so self obsessed that they would melt the polar ice caps for their own gain? Obama is literally ****ing our planet. LITERALLY. And you know what else? The Human Race are getting to the point where we are so desperate that we’re going to other planets looking for alternate fuel sources. Planets like the Moon.”

“Where do you get this stuff from? I can’t believe it!” The boy from Illinois didn’t know when to shut up.

“It’s all right there in black and white, dude. On the internet. I spend a lot of my time reading websites and watching documentaries. I read a lot of books, a lot of the websites I visit sell books.”

“Did you know, for instance,” he had somebody listening which was probably fairly dangerous, “that by 2025 almost two thirds of this planet’s water is going to have been used? We’ll all end up drinking our own urine, and I tell you, I’ve tried urine and it’s disgusting. You get all these selfish assholes talking about feeding Africans. You know who we SHOULD be saving? America. Because Judgement Day is coming folks, nobody I talk to sees the truth. But it isn’t God and his angels coming for you, nosiree. It’s the New World Order.”

“Don’t you feel it’s hypocritical,” another guy was chiming in, “that you’re saying all this on Xbox Live? Shouldn’t you be out saving the world from your imaginary enemies rather than playing video games?”

“Hey, I’ve tried calling people. I just picked up the phone book and dialled randomly. It’s much easier to convince all you fine young people on Xbox Live than it is to convince old people before they hang up on me. This is a resource. I’m using it. Nothing wrong with spreading the word while you’re pwning noobs.”

When I left, I heard him beginning to talk about the conspiracy behind 9/11.

“Settle down folks, here’s one that’ll shock you about 9/11. Or, as I call it, the great betrayal. I bet you think you can blame Saddam and the Iraqis for terrorist attacks like that, huh? Man, you’re all good little robots.”

I almost sent him a friend request, just for the sheer hilarity value.

Black Ops has many good things about it, my Coconut Dodge emblem being number one, but sometimes, you just have to shake your head and laugh.